Author unknown:

I went fishing this morning but after a short time I ran out of worms.
Then I saw a cottonmouth with a frog in his mouth. Frogs are good bass
bait.

Knowing the snake couldn’t bite me with the frog in his mouth I grabbed
him right behind the head, took the frog, and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bit. So, I
grabbed my bottle of Jim Beam and poured a little bourbon whiskey in its
mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp. I released him into the lake without
incident and carried on fishing using the frog.

A little later, I felt a nudge on my foot. There was that same snake
with two frogs in his mouth.

Life is good in the South.

At Texas A&M University at Commerce, the student newspaper reports that a football player has been arrested on a drug charge. So, a couple of his teammates steal the papers off the newsstand.

Sorta reminds you of The Andy Griffith Show episode where Opie publishes a scandalous newspaper, so Andy and Barney try to round up all the copies before anyone can read it.

Via Michael Silence, who points out that the team’s coach, former Baylor coach Guy Morris, isn’t exactly discouraging unlawful behavior with comments like this: “I am proud of my players for doing that. This was the best team building exercise we have ever done.”

Also, it appears the school’s athletics director doesn’t have much confidence in his football team:

According to Bone’s police report, Athletic Director Carlton Cooper said the football team could not have stolen the papers without the aid of outside help.

“I don’t think they are smart enough to do this on their own,” he said.

…the only thing separating us from the rest of the animal kingdom? We got condoms.

It seems that there isn’t any good news coming out of Haiti in the aftermath of last week’s devastating earthquake.

But out of the capital city of Port-au-Prince, there is a story that is worth telling.

Oneida’s Jim Swann, who co-founded Mission Support International (MSI), said cellular communications have finally been restored with his group’s workers in Port-au-Prince, and all three orphanages served in the capital city survived the quake. Last week, he had been able to confirm that two of the orphanages were okay, but a third one, housing 33 children, had not been accounted for.

Not only is the orphanage okay, but Swann says a house the missionaries own—which houses MSI’s five full-time workers in Haiti—is still standing amid the rubble…as is a church and a medical clinic built by the missionaries. And one of their three cars are still running (the other two were smashed by falling debree).

Like everyone else with ties to Haiti, MSI didn’t survive the quake unscathed. A part-time employee of MSI was killed, as was her four-year-old daughter. It’s a tragedy in a situation overflowing with tragedies. But, all things considered, it’s not nearly as bad as it could’ve been.

“We were blessed,” Swann said.

The focus now, he says, is getting food to the orphanages and medical supplies to the clinic, which is overrun with patients. MSI serves 6,500 meals per month to children at the orphanages, and Swann had wired money to Haiti just hours before the quake struck…but with the banking system shut down, a whole new problem presents itself.

Donation’s can be made locally through A Heart For Haiti, a fund set up by New Haven Baptist Church. The Scott County Service Unit of the Salvation Army is also accepting donations to send to Haiti. More details on how to contribute in this week’s Independent Herald.

Following is the story of how MSI was founded and how discarded soda pop cans are doing their part to help a starving nation:

Father Frost: One man’s efforts to feed a nation

Jim Swann has a dream.

He wants to feed 1,000 Haitian kids on a weekly basis.

So how does a man from Oneida, Tenn., feed 1,000 kids in the tiny Latin American nation? Through prayer, determination, a little help from friends. . .and aluminum cans.

This is no pipe dream; Swann’s efforts are already providing three hot meals each week for more than 200 Haitian children, many of whom would otherwise have no hot meal.

The plight of the nation is well-documented. Situated on the western edge of Hispaniola, Haiti is one of the world’s poorest countries. The Haitian gross domestic product is just $16 billion. By comparison, Tennessee’s gross domestic product last year was $238 billion. More than 30% of the funding used to run the country is provided through foreign aid, led by the U.S. with assistance from the European Union and individual nations.

Unemployment runs high in Haiti, with those who do work earning an average of about $2 per day. Fewer than 30% of Haitian children will ever reach the sixth grade, and about half the nation’s residents are illiterate. There is an average of only two-to-three hours of electrical power each day in many areas, and no hot water. Recently, food shortages led to riots in the streets.

“I’ve seen kids literally making mud pies,” Swann said. “They take mud and a little oil and make a pie. It’ll break your heart.”

So, he set out to do something about it. Getting involved is something he believes in. He’s a former alderman in the Town of Oneida and current chairman of the Scott County Industrial Development Board. He is also owner of Oneida Book & Gift Shop and former owner of Free Brothers Concrete.

Swann began missionary work in 2000, and has since traveled to Russia, Jordan, Israel and Africa. But it was Haiti that captured his heart.

“We have no idea how blessed we are,” he says. “Things are kinda rough in Scott County, but they never have hot water and have no electricity most of the time. And that’s in the capital. We’re just blessed. . .”

Today, Swann—who along with four other missionaries from Tennessee and Kentucky founded Mission Support International, a non-profit organization—takes two trips each year to Haiti. He and other missionaries have begun building a church; it’s currently under roof and, once completed, will hold 800 parishioners.

Two years ago, Swann began an effort to provide meals for Haitian children. Earlier this year, he had an idea.

“I was sweeping the parking lot (at Oneida Plaza) and I saw all those cans. I thought, ‘We can do a good thing.’ It costs less to recycle than to make a new can, so why not see if we can sell them and feed some kids?

“One pound of aluminum cans will feed two kids,” he said. “Isn’t that something? We just throw them in the trash.”

And, so, Swann has hauled hundreds of pounds of soda cans to the scrap yard. The money is then wired to Haiti, where volunteers at two schools served by the efforts of Swann and fellow missionaries feed the kids a hot meal each Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Until the can campaign began, many of the 230 students at the two schools had no hot meal served during the school day. Students whose parents could afford it took a sack lunch from home. Many did without.

“It’s amazing what those kids eat,” Swann said. “At one school, they had never had a meal at school. For some of these kids, the only hot meal they’ll have is through what we’re trying to do.”

The meal consists of white rice topped with a black bean sauce, drink and bread. It is a meager meal by American standards. . .but very fulfilling by Haitian standards.

“It ain’t bad, either,” Swann says. “When I go, I sit and eat with them. It’s pretty tasty.”

Volunteers at the schools cook the meals, meaning money is not spent on labor. And missionaries’ trips to Haiti are paid for out-of-pocket. “Every penny we take in goes to buy beans and rice,” Swann said. “We don’t hold anything out for expenses.”

What started as a one-man effort has quickly grown. People who have learned of Swann’s efforts save their cans, bag them, and either toss them into the back of his Ford pickup when he’s out and about, or leave them in front of the book shop. His grandkids have helped collect cans from the beginning, and youth at New Haven Baptist Church, where Swann is a member, save their money for “Jim’s Kids.”

“A little boy came up to me the other day with 55 cents he had saved and gave it to me and said, ‘Jim, I want to buy some food,’” Swann said. “I said, ‘Well, you just fed two Haitian kids.’ That was the sweetest thing.”

There have been larger donations as well. Recently, a church near Lexington, Ky., read a story in a local newspaper about Haitian kids eating mud pies and were spurred into action. As it turned out, the pastor knew a man who knew Swann and was familiar with his efforts, and the church sent $6,000 to assist.

Swann is a familiar face around town. His white mane and beard are easy to spot, and in addition to his public profile as a former alderman and business owner, he can also be found sweeping the parking lots of the Oneida Plaza and other locations.

For the past 38 years, Swann has also been Santa Claus. He is Santa in the annual Christmas parade, he is Santa at Christmas parties for special education children, and he is Santa at several other special events each year. It comes as no surprise to those who know him that he has made a commitment to the Haitian children, who call him “Father Frost” in their native tongue of Creole.

“At least that’s what they tell me they’re calling me,” he laughs.

No stranger to political battles as an alderman and battles to attract industry through his work on the ID board, Swann is also engaged in a much more personal battle after being diagnosed with cancer. But he doesn’t let it slow down his efforts.

“I am blessed,” he said. And, he adds, “I feel better than I have in some time. Something must be working.”

Swann plans another trip to the Haitian capital of Port-au-Prince in the coming weeks, to sit down to some black beans and rice with “his kids,” and to continue the work that has been begun. It’s work that is becoming increasingly difficult as food prices soar. Rice is among the commodities hit especially hard by the increases. The cost of a 100-lb. bag of rice has increased from $28 to $55 since February, and even in America, the sale of rice is being voluntarily rationed in some stores.

As a result, what would have fed three children now only feeds two. But Swann says he is relieved to know that enough money has been raised to continue feeding the 230 kids at the two schools for the remainder of the current school year.

As for next year? Swann shrugs and smiles. “Prayer. Faith. The Lord will provide.”

A woman catches her 6-year-old daughter swiping a pack of stickers from a drug store, so she calls the cops to have her “arrested”:

“I don’t think I went too far,” Lyons said in a phone interview. “You’ve got to catch them when they first start if they do something wrong.”

Times have changed. When I about the same age, I swiped temporary tattoo stickers from my cousin at his birthday party. My punishment was a switching from my father. I guess today we would both be hitching a ride in the squad car: Me for petty theft and him for child abuse.

Isn’t there an easier way? Running your car into a tree at 65 mph would be classified as an accident, wouldn’t it? This is really bizarre.

Man has skateboard wreck. Rips company-issued pants. To avoid being written up by employer, stabs self in leg. Claims he was assaulted by Hispanic males. Now he’s in jail. And he’s famous. Or infamous.

My biggest pet peeve is bad drivers. You know the type: Those who forget that the inside lane is for faster vehicles and primarily for passing, those who have no clue how to merge when two lanes close to one, those who insist on driving 30 mph in a 45 mph zone, those who cut you off by pulling off in front of you, then drive 10 miles under the speed limit, etcetera and so on.

A close second is a toss-up between smokers who show no consideration for non-smokers (and this includes throwing cigarette butts onto the ground…butts are litter just like any other trash) and lazy people at Walmart.

You know the people I’m talking about: You’re driving down Aisle 3 behind Joe Shopper’s red Explorer. And suddenly Joe slams on his brakes. After peeling your nose off  the steering wheel, you spot the reason for Joe’s sudden stop: Wilma Kettles has stopped at her vehicle, parked further down Aisle 3, to unload her buggy-load of groceries.

And there you sit, fuming, while Joe patiently waits for Wilma to unload her groceries, return her cart to the buggy corral (or, just as likely, leave it sitting for a puff of wind to blow it into the side of the car in the next parking spot . . . another pet peeve), climb into her car, dig through her purse for her keys, check her make-up in the mirror, and finally back out.

Joe Shopper just spent wasted three minutes of his time and yours so he wouldn’t have to walk an extra seven steps.

Even worse are the indecisive Joe Shoppers. You’ve seen these cats too. A couple of years ago, I was driving up the aisle towards the store, and the guy in front of me stopped to wait on someone to unload her groceries. As she was almost finished unloading her groceries, another shopper stopped at her car, three spaces closer to the store. So, Joe pulls up a little bit and waits on her to get her groceries unloaded so that he can save even more steps. And while Joe’s waiting, so am I, the person behind me, and the first lady who was unloading her groceries, who is by now in her car but is blocked in by Joe’s SUV.

Of course, there’s no shortage of lazy people at Walmart. You ever notice the folks in the motorized carts? Walmart thought they were providing a service for disabled people when they started putting these things in the stores. They didn’t realize it was the lazy people who would take advantage of the service. I know you’ve seen it, too: A poor old guy who is struggling to push his buggy through the store because some 40-year-old woman too lazy to walk took the last cart. My father and I were in the Jamestown Walmart a few months ago, and we were behind a woman in a motorized cart (with 47 items) at the 10-items-or-less express lane. When she was ready to go, she hopped up out of the cart and commenced to push it out of her way.

I’ve seen a lot of strange Halloween costumes, but this one might just take the cake.

Whatever happened to kids going trick-or-treating as witches and superheroes?

Boy, a lot of things could fall under that title, couldn’t they?

But have you ever stopped to wonder who the first person was who taste-tested a processed meat product (and what was going through their mind as they did it)?

I’m talking about potted meat, Spam, Vienna sausages and all those other canned meats we like to eat. (And don’t forget hot dogs. How many people have put down Spam spread while scarfing down an Oscar Meyer with mustard and relish?)

It isn’t as if we don’t know what we’re eating. What American alive hasn’t eaten one of these products, and read the ingredients label on the can as you did it? We joke about the contents of our Vienna wieners every time we’re breaking for lunch in the deer woods (especially when the weather is cold and the liquid has turned to gel). Yet, we eat ‘em anyway. In fact, after five or six hours in a tree stand on a cold morning, those canned meats prepared with scraps taste as good as the choicest cuts of beef on the market.

Armour, Hormel and the other canned meat companies have toned down their ingredient labels to a degree. You typically don’t see things like “beef hearts” and “pork fatty tissue” listed on those labels. But they’re still required by the USDA to list mechanically-separated chicken (or turkey . . . mechanically-separated beef is a no-no in the post-Mad Cow world). And you’ll always find beef tripe, which is basically the cow’s stomach, on the label.

And it’s good stuff, too! A potted meat and mayo sandwich (heavy on the mayo, please) is one of my favorite uses of white bread. I get my beef tripe” and my mechanically-separated carcass and about 15 servings of cholesterol and sodium, all at one sitting.

I never really considered what was going into these processed meats until one day when I was field-dressing a deer I had shot. Some hunters prefer to drag their deer to a location away from their hunting area before field-dressing it. Or you can even pay your butcher $10 or $15 to remove its innards for you. Not me. I prefer to dress ‘em where they fall. So, on this cold fall morning, I was field-dressing my deer, removing the “guts” so that they wouldn’t spoil the meat. As I was dragging the deer towards the four-wheeler, I looked back at the gut pile. And it struck me that I was leaving the parts of the deer I didn’t want, because it isn’t edible and would spoil the venison . . . yet those are many of the same ingredients (if from a different animal) that had gone into the can of Vienna sausages that I was about to eat for lunch!

We’ve come a long ways, here in America. Prior to the middle part of the 20th Century, we didn’t have the “technology” to feed chicken bones into a device that would “mechanically separate” the meat from the bones. We didn’t have the ability to prepare a can of fatty meat, stomach and intestines that can be spread with a butter knife and has a non-refrigerated shelf life of a few years.

And they say that Native Americans weren’t wasteful because they used every part of the buffalo. Please. The Indians used sinew as a type of glue and brains in the making of leather, but did they concoct “buffalo stripe” and intestines into a canned spread that they could smear onto their crackers? And the next time you’re in the canned meat aisle at your favorite supermarket, see if they don’t have cans of Armour pork brains and milk gravy. Or cans of lamb tongue.

Waste not, want not. We have gone full circle.